Hating Myself and it’s Stupid

Johanna Baynard
2 min readMar 7

Stop hating on yourself! Ugh. So much of my life was about being beautiful, being attractive, being pretty. It is hard to believe that I am not now that…

I was never able to explain to my husband that it was okay to not be “hot”, because God knows I was tired of being hot.

Being Attractive can be it’s Own Hell

I was constantly harassed, called, followed, received lewd comments and always the proposition. Are you kidding me? It was always an issue. I’ve even had my share of stalkers, yes.

I wanted it all out of my life. Do I really have to listen to people drone on and on about how they are hung up on me?


I don’t. Really I don’t.

So here I am hating myself because I have gained 30 pounds which makes me less than attractive. It’s what I wanted. I wanted people to stop hitting on me and pushing me to have sex with “them”.

“Long Ago Woman” JB Collection

I’ve gotten old, of course, now 64. That (and being married) helps to stop people pressing me for “more” out of the relationship. The most effective “stop” sign is my weight. Adding 30 pounds has turned off any chance of having admirers. Even hubby isn’t sure (of course, he loves me).

I caught myself hating myself. I was looking at my thighs and I was hating on my own body. What is that about? I’ve actually relaxed and I am enjoying life. Why am I hating on my own body? That is ridiculous. I love myself and should be loving my body!

There is this complicated relationship between my body and I. I’m hating on the fat that I have; at the same time that I am saying that the “skinny body” sexiness is bull and is an awful misrepresentation of women. Real women don’t look like models, although lots of them try very hard to mimic the look.

I need to find a way to be okay with my body. I need to find a way to embrace the me that is and let go of that long ago woman who could conquer a room by walking into it.

This is me, UGH.

Johanna Baynard

Dedicated activist for economic equality. Baby Boomer. Wife, mother and blogger: Life According to Johanna, johannayorksr.com and themammablog.com